There Is Now A La Colombe Draft Latte Race Car

There is now a draft latte NASCAR.

La Colombe, “a leading coffee roaster and ready-to-drink coffee disruptor,” is partnering with Premium Motorsports and driver Gary Gaulding for the #15 La Colombe Draft Latte Chevrolet, according to ESPN (by which I mean ESPN did their due diligence and copy-pasted the entirety of the Premium Motorsports press release issued today).

advert but first coffee cookbook now available

From the article/press release:

“I met with Gaulding when he was just 17 years old and he shared his dream to become one of the best drivers in the nation,” said Todd Carmichael, CEO and Co-Founder of La Colombe. “He inspired me with his drive and ambition. We, at La Colombe, are built on drive and ingenuity. We see what is possible and push to go beyond that. Gaulding is no different.”

The Flying Draft Latte will debut at the Overton’s 400 taking place at the Pocono Raceway on July 30th and WILL BE TELEVISED LIVE ON NBC SPORTS. That’s right, you can see a can of coffee whipping around a circle at breakneck speeds on actual TV. The real questions, as far as I’m concerned, are these:

If the car wrecks, will it look like a crumpled up can?
Coming off the line, does it make that “psst” sound cans do when they open?
When it is tailing closely behind another car is it then a drafting latte?
Does Todd now have to change his last name to Nascarmichael?
Is there a giant version of the nitro tubes they put in the nitrogenated canned beverages? Does it contain nitrous instead? Do NASCARs use nitrous? (I have a mostly Fast and the Furious-based understanding of car racing.)
Follow-up from the previous question: would I be right in calling this a Nitro Funnycar?
Is Flying Draft Latte driver Gary Gaulding entitled to a lifetime supply of this beverage, win or lose?
Should Gaulding win the Overton’s 400 at the Pocono Raceway, will he be doused in the winner’s circle not with Champagne, and not with milk, but instead with a magnum-sized super bottle of Draft Latte?

A coffee company like La Colombe sponsoring a NASCAR is kinda cool and not entirely unheard of in sport; roasters like Equator and Intelligentsia have long sponsored professional cyclists, Lavazza sponsors everything from Wimbledon to the Golden Globes, and I can’t get through an episode of Ellen without dreaming of someday spending a live taping in the exclusive Starbucks Skybox. But you know what is very uncool? ESPN reprinting a press release in its entirety. Like, you all used to be innovative and disruptive. Now you’re just printing words like “innovative” and “disruptive,” assuming they appear on the press release you probably didn’t take the time to read.

Hey ESPN, I’ve got another PR blurb for you: “EXTRA EXTRA! ESPN Smells”

Zac Cadwalader is the news editor at Sprudge Media Network.

*top image via ESPN